One of my clients is a prominent internet information-product marketer. He sells digital products and coaching to people on his email list. Like many in that world, he tests ideas before building them, so he doesn’t spend months creating something no one actually wants.

He sent his list a survey asking about their interest in a topic: how they’d prefer to learn about it and what they might be willing to pay. At the end, he asked, “How much would you pay for a course by me on Subject X?” The choices were $497, $297, $197, and $79. Overwhelmingly, people chose the cheapest price: $79.

So he spent six weeks creating the course and offered it at $79. The result was no sales. Not one.

After the fact, he said to me, “I realized my survey never gave people the option of saying zero dollars. As in, ‘I’m not interested in your proposed course, no matter what the price.’” He had assumed interest. His audience didn’t. Faced with the options he gave them, they chose the one closest to the answer they actually wanted to give.

I see this kind of thing all the time. We assume that what matters to us must matter to the other person. It doesn’t. People can look at the same information and come away with completely different conclusions. You see it every day if you read the comments on a post you feel certain about. What seems obvious to you lands very differently for someone else.

That’s why in persuasion situations I often do something simple. Instead of guessing what someone finds important, or asking them to speculate about the future, I ask them about the past.

When I’m talking with a prospect, I’ll say something like, “Tell me about a time you made a similar decision.” Then I mostly listen. What was the situation? Who else was involved? What information mattered? When did they know it was the right call?

Only after that do I ask, “What can we learn from that?” (And, yes, I ask them that question overtly.)

I’m not trying to manipulate anyone. I’m trying to understand how they think. I’m building a working model of how to talk to them in a way that actually makes sense to them. For example, I myself need vivid detail. If someone stays high-level with me, I shut down. I need to experience the thing being sold.

The person you’re trying to persuade has preferences, too. So if you’ve got a conversation coming up where a decision matters, try asking, “When was the last time you faced something like this? How did you decide?”

They already know how they make choices. You don’t have to guess. You just have to ask.